home...

Some life experiences are transformative, ripping apart the way you understand, view and experience life.  As I lay there in that dim room, searching through a haze of exhaustion and confusion, I knew this was to be one.

I could see a tiny ruddy body, limp and lifeless; my baby girl, torn from my body now transforming my life.  Silhouetted figures lean over her speaking in hushed tones; tubes; chest compressions..she’s dying…alone in this dark room surrounded by strangers.

I reach for her, struggling to get closer, to give her something familiar in all this strangeness…  “Baby,” I whisper, “I’m here, stay with me…stay, please stay.”

She did stay.  Her tiny delicate body wired up, naked under the harsh buzzing lights of the neonatal intensive care unit.  My delicate black haired baby, clinging to life…fierce eyes glaring and penetrating my soul.

I went home without her…empty, desolate and alone...waiting for her to gather strength, waiting to bring her to me, wading through excruciating days of separation  

Home alone in that silent void of space and time – so marked from previous months of anticipation and excitement.  I desperately grasp at the fleeting glimpses of ‘home’ wavering against the starkness of my reality…glimpses imbuing comfort and support.

Powerful glimpses of connections to comfort, support, love and all that is meaningful….of home, so deeply etched in my memory, reminding me of what is important, what supports me in my life and in my home – the gift of imperfection; the balance of solemn and joyful touches; a soulful connection – feelings of home provoking and guiding my focus, guiding what fills my life and my home.

She grew strong and came home to us, fighting, thriving and loving...still those eyes, fierce and so full of determination, now those of a young woman, continuing to pierce through to my soul, challenging me to reach deeper…to home and the precious lessons of life, love and connection.

 

 

have a beautiful week

xo shelley